Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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