last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
