i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
