walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Randomize
