the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
So squirting runs in the family.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
