Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
