omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
this just has baby written all over it
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
