Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
