sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
