your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
