Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
