soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
