I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
