Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
