Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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