This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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