I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
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