the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
