i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
