omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
