I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
