Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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