Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
