Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
