I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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