If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
