Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
