Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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