i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
