Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
