My friends, they love my intelligence
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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