You're my little dorito
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
