that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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