He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
