I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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