I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize