what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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