Barsexuality is the new black.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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