I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
