I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
