you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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