oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
