im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
