The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
