dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I think I just shit out all my problems.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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