The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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