Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
it glows. i had to have it.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
