You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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