i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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