my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
