But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize