the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
