Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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