Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
