I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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