I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
