Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
