i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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