my room smells like sperm. sweet.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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