just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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